My Diary

I had to have a hat nailed on my tooth by a descendant of Vlad the Impaler immediately after my breakfast. I am not happy with the result and considered chewing an ammonite which had been crudely fashioned into a baby dragon in Victorian times. I ate my dinner through a straw, which being over seventy feet long, had to be wound round the left thigh of the Statue Of Liberty. I thought of making my own statue in the astral plain garden with the pretend tail of an exotic cat attached at the back – I discounted the idea when an amphibious vehicle from the Second World War emerged from the garden pond and a group of young children turned themselves into the letter D in their playing field. I mused on the idea of an amphibious hat and the savagery of dogma.

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