My Diary

I woke to see my wife riding a mouse around the bedroom, I caught it and took it to the railway station before the gangster cat could get it. I had the rest of the morning to sprawl on the modern art carpet with a wet fish as a fountain. Dinner time was a ruler measuring infinity and I painted in the garden pond holding onto a Classical Greek sculpture all afternoon. The evening was spent as a pendent lamp.

My Diary

I had to go out so early the street lights were wearing pyjamas. I waltzed to the snooker table countryside and had tea with a character from a Rupert Bear story – we laughed at our storybook reminiscences. I came home with a hay balanced on each shoulder and contemplated calling myself Rick. The invisible guardians were marching in a solemn procession as I opened the door to discover it’s secret.

My Diary

I got out of bed, stuck a plastic soldier behind my ear, and then went back to bed again. When I finally got up the house was full of crumpled cellophane. I turned it into a gigantic rabbit (which you could still see though) and hopped into my studio to place false moustaches above and below kiln dried clay anuses. When the real sculptor came home I went out as a Mexican skydiver.

My Diary

It was a membrane world morning and I had to take two Egyptian goddesses to see their white coat family. When I got back in the observatory two colliding universes were spelling out a new word in the cosmos exercise book – the word was Neology. I then had to spend the evening stuck to a bench like old chewing gum. I was quite pleased when someone accidentally sat on me.

My Diary Yesterday

I stepped out of the cardboard giant’s mouth holding my head and remembering a recurring dream of men with big feet coming up the hill. I had an alligator attached to each thigh like pistols. After returning from the dentist I walked over the rainbow bridge to visit the vapour which floated where a shop once stood. I opened the door into my own head.

My Diary The Day Before Yesterday

It was much warmer today (the straw houses were perched on the edge of the volcano). I hung from the ceiling as the empty sacks were opened. After their contents were tipped out on the bare soil I rummaged in the undergrowth – early mammals stood guard overhead. Voices of the townspeople sounded like moving earth and I sat on a milk bottle like a blue tit – I had long perfected the art of hiding in my own pockets.

My Diary

I went out like a candle flame in the morning, my jellyfish tentacles almost vertical in the cutting room wind. I spent some time with the Jolly Green Giant before racing my shadow back to the once mythical school playground. The wooden huts in a military line gave little protection from the cold communication and I stuck a tuba on my head and pulled my coat inside out.